As the first person in history to publicly disagree with the throngs of idiots who think Halo 3 is the best thing since jacking off was invented, fuck you. Halo is the kind of game that people who don’t play games play, which makes Halo 3 the sequel to the sequel to the first game all you fucking idiots ever played.
Sure, Crunchgear.com might say “Halo 3 is indeed better than when your wife got pregnant.”, but that holds true only if I wasn’t able to abort that demon fetus with a shot of vinegar and a few well-placed kicks to the she-place.
Gamepro.com got fancy with their review, claiming a bunch of facts about sales and marketing and whatnot: “No other game has had as much hype, built-up fan anticipation nor the marketing push – try $10 million in marketing campaigns alone – as the last chapter of the premiere franchise in console gaming. But is the game worthy? … I have two words for you: ‘Hell’ and ‘Yes’.” I have two words for gamepro.com: ‘Fuck’ and ‘You’. Halo 3 is awesome because a ridiculous amount of money went into the marketing! Sex is always best with the biggest cock you can find, especially when that gargantuanly-girthed piece of meat is slamming your ass. A perfect metaphor for buying Microsoft’s most famous game.
And, in what is probably the most valid reasoning behind Halo 3 praise, Arstechnica.com says that the “solid frame rates” are what make the game awesome. Get some a fucking clue and some taste while you’re at it. Amazing, a console game that has acceptable framerates? All y’all motherbitches should play SpongeBob Squarepants: The Battle for Bikini Bottom; the framerates are wicked mad sikk, bro.
People who praise Halo 3 are the kind of dudes who probably never even played Full Throttle or Grim Fandango, let alone Doom or WOLF3D (mein leben!). I would have said people instead of dudes, but women aren’t this stupid. Therefore, without the proper frame of reference, these idiots would really have no idea what they’re talking about, and are just enjoying the great big Halo assfuck while Microsoft kindly gives them a reach around.
Halo 3 is what you get when a company says “fuck, FPS games are popular, let’s make one” and then gives the developer two sequels to get the gameplay right. And even then, you’re still playing the most generic game known to man. But at least it has really mean headshot detection.